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September 2017

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[personal profile] mikunicchi
Title: Deep Blue
Pairing: Ohno Satoshi x (OC)
Rating: General
Genre: Romance.
Disclaimer: Unfortunately I do not own anything about Arashi. Only the plot is mine.

Summary: If you aren't here, I can't be myself
The world is almost like a broken paradise
I wish I could completely erase all of my memories
The many memories just simply change into sorrow

A/N: Comments are welcomed! English is not my native language so I apologize for my mistakes!!
Credit for "Deep Sorrow"s beautiful translation yarukizero

The day of the funeral was sunny. It was a beautiful spring day without joy. Hell must be a place like this, he thought. Though he didn't cry, he felt like there was a hole in his heart. The crying voices of other people filled his ears and he wanted to run away from that place. He looked to his dear ones photograph. She was smiling with pure enjoyment. He remembered the photo immediately because he was the one who took it in the first place. His face waved with emotions, in his heart he couldn't be more sad. Why did she died? he asked himself. Why did she had to die?

She was young. Younger than Ohno. They had met on a fishing party. She was the daughter of the chef who cooked the fishes for them after fishing. She helped her father even though she didn't really good at it. She always teased him when he said something stupid. He never hide that he was an idol and from time to time they even talked about Arashi stuffs. Like how his new solo is beautiful or how his dance steps seemed stupid... He looked to the photo again. Unconsciously a single tear dropped from his eyes. Her mother was crying loudly, her father seemed like he can't even cry anymore. One of the visitors said, "Too young to die. Too good to be dead. Why did she died at this young age?"

Ohno asked the same question to himself. And he asked the same question to her. "Why did you died?" His voice shaked for a moment and after that he stood up from the pillow he was sitting. He went out and walked away from the house.

Her house was the near of the sea. It was really close that you could even see the sea from her room. He loved the shore city that she lived. He walked in the streets which she walked until now. He knew these streets because they would always walked on these streets not aiming anything. He was a quiet man with less words. She was an energetic girl with many words but she always let him be. He loved the girl who let him be for himself. He loved her many words. He loved her eating manners. He loved her on the boat when she come fishing together with him. He loved her, when she decide for him and he loved her when she made up her mind. He loved her, even when she left him.

He always enjoyed her letters from another country even though they were full of lies. Though he hated the idea first time, he wanted to went abroad with her. He even thought about leaving Arashi behind and he even wouldn't feel a regret. As long as he is together with her, he wouldn't care about anything at all. But she would never forgive him if he left Arashi for her. She told him that before leaving. And because of her he continued to doing his best. But he regretted that now. He should have never listened her. If he knew that they have no time, he definitely would leave everything behind. Only if he knew! He should have known better!

He heard her illness on her funeral. He never knew that somethings were wrong with her body. They told him that she fell ill on her first India visit. They told him that she never actually went Australia, Korea, Taiwan and Thailand. That all of her letters were written from her hospital bed... And they gave her final letter, which is written the day before her death. He was holding it so strongly that the fragile paper were slightly damaged. They told him that her illness forwarded really fast and nobody expected her death. Even doctors couldn't explained what went wrong and why the illness forwarded with this speed. They told him that she always protested the idea of telling him that she was ill. They told him that until the very last moment she listened his songs while smiling and humming the melody.

His tears couldn't hold it anymore and he started to cry silently. There isn't anyone near him, he was all alone on that street. He didn't said anything to anyone that he is going to a funeral. He just left without thinking and without saying anything. Agency will probably be angry to him but on that moment he didn't actually give a fuck to it. He never told anyone anything but probably some of his friends were noticed his attitude on the phone. At least, he thought, Nino definitely noticed that something is wrong. He continued to walk until he reach to the beach.

When he finally come near the sea, he sat down to the floor and and looked the letter. He didn't wanted to open it. He felt like if he open the letter, he would be admitting her death. He doesn't wanted to accept her death. He doesn't wanted to accept the fact that he will never be able to see her again. He always wanted to see her smile, he always wanted to be near her. But now that wish won't be able to come true even if he tries everything.

He finally took a deep breath and opened her last letter carefully. Her neat handwriting felt so nostalgic and he stopped for a moment to clear his eyes. She loved writing letters. He was bad at reading but she still continued to write letters for him. In the beginning he hated the idea of writing but unnoticeably he started to enjoy writing to her. He remembered her words. "Did you know that handwrittings are characteristic things like finger prints? After time passes, everything will be over. You, me, this world that we know... But this letters that written by our hands will always remain as our pieces." In the beginning he thought that it was just a weird idea of her but now he understood what did she meant.

"To my dearest,

The meaning of you are reading this is the fact that I am dead. And finally you are reading this letter Satoshi. I was worried that you will just put this letter to somewhere rejecting to read it, rejecting that I am dead. But I shouldn't be worried for this since you are reading it now.

This is my last letter to you. I can not write anymore even if I want to write. I was always thinking about this letter after I found out that I was ill. I knew it from the beginning that I don't have much time to live. I am so sorry for hiding my illness from you. But I have no regret because of it. Even now, if I have to make a choice, I would still choose to not to tell you. But still I was scared. So scared that I couldn't even breath on nights. But after spending some time with my treatment I started to think that dying is not really a bad thing after all. They always told me that I will be cured, everything will be all right and such things but somehow humans can feel it when they got close to death. I knew that something big was wrong with my body. To be honest, I still had little hopes and went through some treatments. It was scary. It was tough. And after sometime I just wanted it to be over.

But I am just a human being who is in love. So I couldn't just wish my death. Humans are selfish. When they feel that they are close to death, they start to struggle. Struggle, struggle, struggle and they try to find a exit. They want to stay alive.

I wanted to stay alive. Everyday was a nightmare but I still wanted to stay alive. I always dreamed of a bright future next to you on the nights that I was unable to sleep. I was going to be healed, and after I left the hospital, I would take the first train to Tokyo. I was planning to tell you everything like that. While hugging you, feeling that I am still alive, feeling that I have escaped from death, I planned to cry until the day is over. I always imagined your face when you see me in front of you. I even let myself to dream about being your wife, having our children and such dreams...

I never told you about this but I always wanted to be your wife. I always dreamed about being a mother of your child. I actually always dreamed about having a strong girl who can look after you and her brother. Maybe brothers... It was so fun for me that dreaming how everything would be... You would go fishing for hours not trying to contact me but I would still be waiting for you. You would fish some tuna and I would cook it for our family. I always dreamed to go your concerts as a family and I have dreamed a lot of things.

But in the depth of my heart, I knew that I would be writing this letter to you instead of going Tokyo.

Will you forgive me? I can not make these dreams come true anymore. I can not hug you anymore. I can not write you anymore.

I want to be with you Satoshi. Like I always wanted to. This is my life time wish. But I can not make it come true, can I?

God is cruel. But he let me know you. He let me fall in love with you. He let me struggle for you. He just didn't let me win.

Satoshi, I missed you. I want to see you but if I do that I will make you sad more than this.

Since this is my last letter to you, can I make some request to you? Will you do them for me?

From time to time, remember me, okay? But not always. You have to live your now with your fullest. From time to time, remember that you loved me, okay? But not always. You have to find your woman and fall in love again. From time to time, come to this city, okay? Just walk the streets without aiming anything. But not always. You have to use your day off for your self. From time to time, look to the sky and say something good for me, okay? I will definitely listen it. From time to time, bring your songs and the pictures you drew to my grave. I will always be waiting for them.

And no matter what, don't give up your life. Go fishing, draw some pictures, sing, dance. Live your life for fullest. I will always be watching you from somewhere close to you.

I love you, my dear Satoshi. Even I can not say it anymore, I will always be.


Ohno hugged the letter. His tears joined with the paper. He knew that nothing would be same without her. He knew that his life would be just miserable without her. He wanted to shout that he won't do anything she wanted. Because she never listened anything he wanted to say. But how could he do that? He had no chance to meet her but now he had to live everything for her. "At least," he mumbled with his shaking voice, "I will have a lot of stories when I meet her." He tried his best to smile and looked to the sky like she asked. "You have a horrible taste of humor you know? But I love you Miyuki, I love you with my whole existence."

Then he stood up from where he was sitting. He folded the letter and put it back to envelope, then put it to his pocket. He had a long life waiting for him. But without her...


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